Happy Birthday to Me...

The past eight months have been a roller coaster.  Matt came back into my life and left again.  I thought he had changed, but I was wrong.  Work is getting worse.  There's absolutely no communication among the management team.  And to top it all off, my therapist is no longer in-network, so I'm looking at 317% increase in the price of  my mental health.  Any wonder why I chose to spend my birthday getting hammered? 

Extreme Self Care

Because of the stress of I've been under and the difficulty I've had coping, my therapist suggested a course of extreme self care, doing much more than I usually I do to take care of myself.

I've been going to the gym regularly for the past two weeks. I got a massage and scheduled another one for next month. I got my haircut and scheduled the next one as well. I took advantage of the complementary training session that came with my new gym membership, and I'm going to sign up for the "Exceeds Expectations" session. I also got the tattoos I've been wanting. The design on my shoulder has been waiting to be inked for about 4 years. The Libra symbol on my wrist was something I found late last year.

This week I'll be trying out the Stretch class and the Yoga class. I made an appointment to get my carpets cleaned next week. I took care of my taxes this morning, and was relieved to learn that I'm getting a small refund. I still need to have the oil changed and tires rotated on my car.

I've also got a new mantra: "Be nice to yourself; it's hard to be happy when someone's mean to you all the time."

Where's a knife?

So far, this year has not been kind to me, and as a result, I'm back on weekly visits to my therapist. Christmas blew big hairy chunks. The dynamics of my work environment is beginning to mirror my dysfunctional family, which has completely sent me off the deep end. My therapist has referred me to a therapy group on coping skills that starts in March. Until then, I've actually been green-lighted to revert to one of my dysfunctional coping skills- avoidance. So glad because I can't handle any more crazy!!

Who did I kill in a past life?

Last week my suspiciously gay neighbor asked me if I wanted to go to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert with him. I did the usual "let me check my calendar and get back to you" because I wasn't sure about it. I thought about over the holidays and agreed, thinking it would be strictly platonic. I was just trying to make a friend.

The next day, he called to ask if I wanted to come over for a glass of wine and talk about the logistics of the concert. Again, I thought it about it and agreed, again thinking it would be strictly platonic. And again, I should have known better when he called TWICE to ask what kind of wine I liked and where to find it in Publix.

When I arrived, he poured a glass of the cheapest wine that Publix carries, and in the next breath told me that he made almost six figures. I wasn't sure how to respond to that remark except to say "okay.........."

I was then regaled with a wholly inappropriate story about him mooning people at the Wal-Mart pharmacy because he'd lost weight and his pants were loose and he doesn't wear underwear on his days off. Then he proceeded to tell me REPEATEDLY that he was buying new pants to wear to the concert. STRIKE ONE.

Then, as we were sitting on the couch, and I was trying to engage in casual conversation, he kept creeping into my personal space and trying to hold my hand. Even though I pulled my hand away REPEATEDLY and told him I was feeling crowded, he continued. STRIKE TWO.

And to top it all of, he kept tapping his lips with his fingers. When I asked why he kept doing that, he said he wanted a KISS and then he TRIED TO LEAN IN AND KISS ME!! STRIKE THREE!!!

So I stood up, told him that he was making me extremely uncomfortable, and that I would not be going to the concert with him. Even worse was the fact that I was there no more than 45 minutes. If I had been paying attention, I should've known he thought it was a date when he kept saying how excited he was that I was going to the concert with him.

The next morning, I got a FIVE MINUTE voicemail from him apologizing for his behavior last night. He claimed he'd had to much to drink and had family issues and was not good at dating and how I was a great person and how bad he felt that it didn't work out between us and he never intended to hurt my feelings. Funny-- he didn't hurt my feelings, he creeped the hell out of me!!!!!! I sent a short text saying apology accepted, and got another long, drawn-out apology.

Now I'm even MORE creeped out!!! I've been leaving all of the outside lights on. Seriously, who did I kill in a past life to deserve this kind of punishment???

That wasn't so bad...

October turned out to be a slightly better month than expected. I got a birthday cake from a friend who said she wanted to make sure I smiled on my birthday, and some of my reps gave me cupcakes and a B&N gift card. I applied some of the techniques I learned in therapy during a particularly stressful week of business planning. I went to a business meeting and learned so much that my head is still spinning. My moods have stabilized too, courtesy of a psychiatric visit and an adjustment in my meds. I'm trying to think positive about the upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. I'd like to end the year on a good note.

Another Trip Around the Sun

It's that time of year again... my birthday. I used to love this time of year. Fall, cooler weather, football season, birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas. The past couple years, though, have led me to hate this season. The days are shorter. I'm not adjusting as well. It's been over a year, and I still don't feel at home here. I haven't made any friends, possibly due to the fact that I'm not a social creature by nature. It's so damn hard to put yourself out there, to open up to strangers. It's never been in my nature to expose myself to potential criticism. Too many years of being the new kid has made me seriously gun-shy. Seven months of therapy hasn't done much for me either, except break down all those wonderfully dysfunctional defenses. Lately I've felt exposed, kind of naked in front of the class without my homework. I've never been comfortable in my own skin, but lately it's worse. Therapy has put some serious chinks in my armor, which is supposed to be good so I can overcome my issues, but in the meantime, I feel too vulnerable. All I can think about is cutting, bleeding, dying, ending the pain. Is this what life is all about? All I can think about is trying to survive the next day. Is it really worth it anymore?

My Little Conehead

Poor Beau is back in a cone. Thankfully, it was not due to trauma, but still due to injury. This time it's a corneal ulcer, which is a scary way of saying somehow my dog scratched his eye. I kind of figured he had done something like that since his right eye has watery and kind of puffy for the past week or so. But when it didn't get better on its own, it was time to visit his awesome vet. Since he was there, Dr. Wonderful checked out his left eye as well. Unfortunately, he has developed cataracts. Eventually he will go blind in that eye. I'm not too upset by this news. Our family dachshund Jordi developed cataracts in both eyes and lived for several years after he had gone blind. You just have to refrain from rearranging furniture and leaving shoes and bags out. Beau is going to be fine... assuming he doesn't fall victim to some other injury... bless his little heart!