Quirks and Phobias

I've got several fears and idiosyncrasies. I'm acrophobic and claustrophobic; acrophobia is a fear of heights, while claustrophobia is the fear of confined spaces. I'm neat almost to the point of compulsion. Everything has its place, and I don't like it when things are out of order.

I've never liked open doors. When I go to bed, closet doors and bathroom doors have to be closed. Even the guest room and bathroom door on the first floor have to be closed. Years later, in talking with my mother about some of my quirks, I learned that I believed in closet monsters. That need to keep the monsters in check had evolved, and although I know there are no such thing as monsters, I still need to have the doors closed.

When I was about 8 or 9, my mother, brother and I spent the summer with my grandfather in Wisconsin. He lived in an old house with an orchard, a vegetable garden, and several old sheds. Off one of those sheds was a potato cellar. My brother locked me in there one afternoon. I spent several hours curled up on the steps, terrified of the damp darkness and the general creepiness of the cellar. My confinement was payback for the previous week when I had dared him to pet a cow over the fence to the neighbor's dairy farm (I "forgot" to remember the fence was electrified). I had never liked close spaces before that day; afterwards, I liked them even less. That summer also began years of sibling warfare.

When I was in high school, I went to a haunted house. I love being scared, so the noise and skeletons and people jumping out of nowhere didn't bother me. Then we went up the stairs to the second floor. There was a balcony that my friends dared me to step onto. Not wanting to show weakness, I did. It was a trick balcony that tilted slightly with the weight. So instead of showing weakness, I showed full blown panic, screamed like a little girl, and practically ran out of there. I stayed away from even the smallest step stool for the longest time.

Throughout the years, I've learned to control my fears. I learned that the heights don't scare me me too much as long as I don't look down. Enclosed spaces aren't as terrifying as long as I have a space around me. When I visited the St Louis Arch, my claustrophobia came out full force as I was crammed into a tiny elevator with four other people to get to the top. The view was not worth the trip. Did you know that the top of the Arch is basically a narrow hallway with small rectangular windows? On the other hand, my trip to the top of the Empire State Building was well worth the elevator ride. Although I was higher up, I was outside with more room to move. There were tall metal railings that kept visitors from leaning over and falling, allowing only a straight view across the city. It took my breath away, but not from fear.

Taking the elevator at work makes me hold my breath, especially when I hear the cables make some funny creaking noise. The building has ceiling to floor windows, so I tend to stay close to the doorways and interior walls. I'm one of the few who doesn't want an office with a view. Ladders take lots of deep breaths because there's really nothing to hold onto. Balconies aren't bad, depending on how sturdy the railings are. The need for order isn't likely to go away anytime soon. I have to have something to control.